Curled up in your egg-crate bed, compulsively licking yourself, you don’t know, nor care, that your breath smells like the worst expired shellfish dinner known to man. And let me tell you, it’s gotten worse. Once it was more like a freshwater Tilapia, now it’s a full blown Louisiana mud-puppy. You’ve got the strangest skin growths and, I won’t lie, they worry me a little bit. There’s a really weird pink, bulbous one on your face. And you’ve got these weird white spots on your nose.
For the love of God man, stop licking yourself.
You hate thunderstorms worse than Kelly does but at least you love the snow. And I love the way you army-crawl when you’re happy, although it makes your tummy dirty. It makes your shamrock tag jingle against your rabies tag. And I’m super sorry about your nails being so long, I’m just afraid I’ll cut that little vein; you’ll bleed all over the place and I’ll have to bust out the cornstarch. I will inevitably make a huge mess and have to bust out the vacuum which will inevitably blow a fuse and I’ll have to bust out the….. fuse box.
I often think about how your life would have gone if we hadn’t brought you up from Arkansas. You definitely wouldn’t be seeing as much snow, so I’m sure you’re thankful for that. Up here in New England you live a more….sedentary lifestyle. I’m positive you’d be a bit more active down on whatever ranch or farm you lived on. And that old guy Perry sure was something else, wrinkled to the bone but kind as all else. He would have treated you just fine. And you for sure would have had more friends to play with, though I know those big, hyper dogs make you a bit verklempt. Maybe there would be less little kids in your life? I’m not sure.
I’m sorry about that transition period a few years ago. I know you were used to sleeping on the bed, and then Kelly and I got married and the man that used to be the fun Uncle that took you out to pee was now sleeping in your spot. Please understand however that most dogs sleep on the floor and we did compromise by offering you the chair. And, if I’m being really honest, that chair smells terrible now. You should be thankful.
You know, if you keep on with the licking you’re not gonna have any hair left….
I still love ya though.