Category Archives: cynical

mr. iD

Whip batteries at it

Don’t like it

grab it

Attack it

Got an itch, scratch it

See a mole, whack it

Hear a joke, laugh at it

Then steal it

Take credit for it

Take it

Put it

In a vault and latch it




F*CK your lawn

Overgrown you say?
Flowers, though wild, do not appeal
to your pristine senses?

I say,
maybe you’re wasting time
trimming your grass


I say,
maybe your yard,
your stupid yard
is boring
and lacks personality.


And maybe,
the ecosystem, living
under the ice
in my
above ground pool
is far more humane
than the chlorine factory
you keep in your backyard.


And maybe,
my bushes have
too many limbs,
no symmetry to them
at all,
but yours
piss me off
with their sculpted form.
Your vanilla arrangements
ain’t got nothing
on my
Rocky Road.

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Posted by on January 17, 2014 in cynical, poetry, Uncategorized


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#Useless Inventions Vol. 2


Filing this one under “Products easily replaceable by a common dish towel”, the Intimia Breast Cushion provides conflict resolution for your boobies.  Let’s be real about this, I’m not a lady so I can’t really attest to the usefulness of keeping your boobies separated when you’re sleeping,  but I know a gimmick when I see one.  Along with just the general comfort of putting a pillow between your breasts, apparently this is supposed to prevent chest wrinkles  as well.

This is all according to the Wonderful Doctor of Oz, who claims that it:

  • One Size Fits All |
  • Prevents chest wrinkles from forming in the cleavage area
  • Provides breast support and comfortable nights’ sleep for side, back or stomach sleepers
  • Reduces discomfort caused by tender breasts (PMS symptoms, nursing mothers, pregnancy, etc.)
  • Reduces or completely cures the appearance of existing chest wrinkles

All of this is fine, if the product wasn’t $59.95 on Amazon.  Listen, and I mean this, ladies have to deal with all kinds of stuff that us Y-chromosomes will never know anything about.  But don’t let people like Dr. OZ rob you blind by marketing overpriced bullshit to your demographic! I repeat, grab a dish towel and shove it down your shirt, you’ll be fine!



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Posted by on January 11, 2014 in cynical, random


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Useless Inventions Vol. 1


The Ovilus is an awesome invention that has thousands of words programmed into it, reads electromagnetic fields (a.k.a. air), and assigns a number based on how spooky the air is.  The device then finds the word associated with this number and says it out loud.


The Ovilus most apparent use is in the field of paranormal investigation (obviously) and allegedly can tell you what kinds of conversations ghosts are having (???)


Unfortunately, people have put multiple Ovuli (yes) next to each other and have found the devices can’t seem to agree what the ghosts are saying, as they blurt out random words and phrases with no synchronicity.


Alas, we are no closer to proving that your dead Grandma can control electromagnetic fields from beyond the grave.  Maybe next time.


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Posted by on January 9, 2014 in cynical, random


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